Waiting for Arrows

Last year, I started an informal series of YouTube videos called “Awaiting Arrows,” based on the verse, “Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them” Psalm 127:4-5.

My whole life, I just breezed past those verses, smiling and nodding as if they represented something inevitable. I didn’t even fully process a personal desire to have children, assuming that would come when God was ready to bless my husband and I in that specific way. But when age 30 rolled around without the “inevitable” happening, a brand-new fear settled in. It only got worse as tests revealed nothing specific or abnormal going on. In September 2023, I experienced a very early miscarriage that I’m only now starting to really, fully grieve.

However, around that time, I started talking online about different aspects of my journey with unexplained infertility, and I felt the burden shift somewhat. Sharing the nuances of my very unique pain and putting words to it alongside the powerful truths God was feeding my soul felt like a productive use of my time and suffering.

One reason for this is that infertility is an extremely different kind of struggle. It’s nothing like you would imagine, and you don’t imagine it until you’re in it. You don’t ask to be in it. You don’t necessarily deserve to be. But suddenly, one day, you are. And you have no idea why.

I’m sharing this now to spread some awareness as well as to empathize with others who are struggling in this way. Sometimes hearing the details of your own heart verbalized can help greatly, if only to trigger a therapeutic, hopefully-healing cry.

If you resonate with any of these feelings/experiences, please take them before the Lord. You may feel like He’s the one who’s caused the wounding, but His hands also bind up in a way no one else’s can. He has not abandoned you; don’t leave Him. If you know someone who is struggling with infertility, even if they haven’t talked a lot about it (which they usually don’t), I hope these insights help you to pray and interact with more compassion.

Infertility is uniquely difficult because:

1. You are robbed of the freedom to enjoy life without overthinking.

2. Huge factors like time and emotion become enemies you can’t always control.

3. You quickly feel defeated tackling a problem that may not have a clear diagnosis or solution.

4. You're forced to become an "expert" on the mechanics of conception and question the validity of every test and option.

5. You feel pressure to follow up on any and every bit of advice even though none of it may actually apply to you.

6. You have to face ethical, physical, marital, and financial considerations that you never thought about with regards to medical procedures or intervention.

7. You experience helplessness as you face doctors who aren’t always equally equipped to navigate your particular issue.

8. You have to take special care of your body while feeling betrayed by it.

9. Every month begins to feel like a roller coaster of highs and lows from hope to disappointment, and all you can do is roll with it yet again.

10. You are continually surrounded by reminders of what you don’t have and can’t give yourself, so it’s really hard to accept that you’re not being punished or excluded.

11. You start obsessing over the tiniest things that you didn’t realize you wanted—and you have to wonder if you’ll ever experience them.

12. You have to guard your heart vigilantly against the fresh confusion surrounding some Scripture verses and Church teachings.

13. People say stupid things that stick with you for months because they’re still in the bubble where babies just appear with no effort.

14. Celebrating others becomes complicated.

15. Holidays start to represent another year without.

16. Your free time starts feeling empty and meaningless.

17. There’s a special grief for what your family is missing as well. Watching your parents age gets even scarier than it used to be.

18. The mystery of your responsibility and God’s sovereignty can be maddening; it’s so easy to resent the hard questions you’re being forced to confront about your faith.

If any of these resonate with you, I am so sorry. I am still walking through these myself. My story is still unfolding, and I’m not positive how it will end. It’s unspeakably hard to wrap my mind around the possibility that God might inexplicably deny me children. One minute, I feel complete confidence in the promises I’ve been given, and the next, I feel my resolve quaking, threatening to fail.

But the one thing I have learned for certain…the one firm foundation I can stand on in this morass is that God does have a good purpose for me. That is one thing I do believe 100%. He will keep every promise He has made and complete every good work He’s started. He will equip me for whatever He requires of me. Any pain I experience on Earth will be temporary and rewarded.

And if I choose to dive deeper into my faith even as my lungs scream for air, God’s expansive nature will rescue me until I can learn to breathe underwater—and then one day walk on the waves.

And the great news is: whatever you’re facing, the same is true for you!

So, if you’re like me and your quiver is empty, lift your heart and your eyes to the One who promises to make your arms strong enough to bend a bow of bronze, the One who equips us for any and every battle (Psalm 18)--even this one.

#jubileelipsey #awaitingarrows #infertility #infertilityawareness #infertilityhope